Contest Day! | 11/11/07

It's time for a contest day! At stake is a $20 gift certificate to your favorite merchant (assuming you can buy a gift certificate online). The challenge is to take the text below and spin it: make it positive as humanly possible. The only catch is that you can't directly lie; you can only manipulate the data to portray it as positively as possible. Let W. be your inspiration.

The current state of the union is as follows: we are headed for the worst recession since the 1930's with mortgage markets having lost nearly half a trillion dollars this year alone. The value of the dollar is at an all-time low; less than half of the Pound Sterling and each day hitting new lows against the Euro and even the Canadian dollar.

The divorce rate in America is 50%, the average credit debt is over $8,000, and despite having spent almost $5b in Iraqi and Afghanistan we continue to spend about $3,000 every second. Americans consume 850 million trees a year on paper alone. Please help.

Leave your answers in the Comments box!


Jamie (Unknown)

When does this contest end? I need to put some thought into my entry as not to bring shame to my new lawyering (spinning) skills.

Mike (Unknown)


T-Chris (Unknown)

My Fellow Americans, I知 here to tell you that our Union is at a remarkable and unprecedented status. The health of our economy is progressing in ways not seen in 70 years. The housing markets are catering more to buyers now than ever before, ever encouraging the American dream of owning a house and building a family. Our dollar is working hard (again, like the American dream), each day achieving new records against the Euro and Canadian dollar. In baseball, a .400 batting average is a hallowed mark, a guaranteed ticket to the Hall of Fame. I知 happy to report that half of all marriages in America stay together. That痴 one out of every two: not one out of every three or four or five, but 50%. I値l take a .500 batting average any day! There were worries about the increasing credit card debt among our citizens. But I知 excited to report that the average credit card debt in our great land is not even $10,000. Concerns were also raised about the funding for War On Terror. I ask you, the American people: What is the price you would put on the lives lost on 9/11? This administration views them as priceless. Also, on the environmental front, Americans seem to be doing their part for Mother Earth, saving 15% of every billion trees from paper use. That translates into saving 150 million trees from paper usage. That, my dear friends, is progress. Help? The only help we need is re-writing the record books on the progress America is making, financially, internationally, and environmentally. Good night, and may God bless America.

SC (Unknown)

Applause, applause T-Chris. The statistics are very convincing.

BU (Unknown)

"This coming year will feature more simultaneous reality TV shows than ever before. What else matters?"

P-Chris (Unknown)

My Fellow Americans, we live in wonderful times. The cost of housing is dropping dramatically giving the poor more of an opportunity to buy a house. The United States has lowered the price of the dollar to undercut high priced European and Canadian currencies. Americans are spending more and more and our wonderful system of credit has allowed for the average American to borrow much needed funds to begin a fruitful life and secure the American dream. Families are strong, with an astounding 50% of all marriages succeeding. Economic growth in the military sector has exceeded all expectations. We are also winning the war against Global Envirofascism. I知 happy to report that millions of previously useless trees have been turned into much needed paper, creating more jobs in paper mills and office supply stores. On another note, in 2008 we intend to help the people of Iran curb their future overpopulation problem.

Tree (Unknown)

You know it's the god damned stupid banks fault for giving out all those high-risk loans. They have no one but themselves to blame. And the last time I checked, paper was recyclable & you could plant more trees. And no, this isn't my entry. I'm not going to partake in Liberal-slanted George W. Bush bashing.

Jamie (Unknown)

Shit, I forgot. P-Chris, you should run for president immediately.



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