Six Reasons Everyone Hates You | 08/21/08
You don't realize this, but everyone hates you. The most cruel irony is that, in fact, you don't realize this. It's because you're so self-absorbed that you don't even consider that you are a planet/country/road/house/building/cubicle with another human being yet you do. I've taken the liberty of compiling a list of six things we hate about you so you can read it and maybe, just for one second, realize how much you're pissing us off.
#1: Normal Hours. If you have to build something louder than a jigsaw puzzle it is to be done between the hours of 8am and 10pm. I know you're REAL BUSY but you can wait on building your IKEA wall-shelf thing until the middle of the afternoon on Saturday. I'm a reasonable man, I know you have to get ready to go to your important job. It's for this reason that I will allow you to make normal noise between 6am and midnight. You have your TV on or whatever, that's fine. You cannot, I repeat cannot, do things like operate machinery, yell "I can't believe you f*d him" at your wife, or move furniture in this window. And, on a personal note to my neighbor: "You better believe it."
#2: Let people by you on the road. Listen asshole, we didn't ask you to buy the Land Rover for your dangerous treks to your kids' soccer practice. Contrary to your me-only belief system, if you find yourself in a position where you and another car can't get past each other, YOU SHOULD MOVE. Don't assume that you can "borrow" a slice of the other person's lane because you're driving an Explorer and they're driving a Prius. Also, if you can't parallel park your car DON'T DRIVE IT and block traffic for twenty minutes before deciding you can't fit in a space.
#3: The 10-or-less line is NOT the place for your I'm-a-lawyer bullsh*t. If you have 23 2 liter bottles of 7up that's 23 ITEMS NOT 1. If you have to argue your case for having less than 10 items THEN YOU DO NOT HAVE 10 OR LESS. Even if you're going to be a huge asshole and get in line with your 9 cans of tuna, 9 six-packs of yogurt, 9 bags of kiwis, 9 cases of Sam Adams, 9 power bars, and 9 boxes of bacon AT LEAST have the decency to let the old man carrying ONE SINGLE SLICE OF CAKE go in front of you. THIS IS WHY WE HATE YOU!!!
#4: You are not more important than the 100+ cars behind you. Note on my map the area of Washington DC. There is ONE bridge. Because there is ONE bridge, if traffic gets clogged up, it gets CLOGGED UP hundreds of cars back. Yet, there are never any accidents. Why does the traffic get clogged up? Because YOU ASSHOLES ignore the HUGE SIGNS that show which direction the lane goes and if it turns or not. YOU IGNORE the half-dozen street signs that have that same information. AND WORST OF ALL, you try to cut ahead and then when no one (RIGHTFULLY) lets you back in, you just sit there blocking traffic rather than going a block out of your way. This is why we can't carry guns in our cars in DC. You assholes better hope that law stays on the books because no jury is going to convict someone who shot a merging-line-cheater (probably in a Porsche too).
#5: Look, when I had my own place I never cleaned up my dog sh*t. Ever. In my defense, no one EVER had to go in my backyard but me. However, now that I have to share a yard I always clean it up. And for the most part people are really good about doing it too...except for PARIS-HILTON WANNABES--your little purse dogs takes dumps too--f*cking clean it up, bitch.
#6: Yeah, you're sooo smug and cool. Walking down the street talking on your Blue Tooth. Yeah, you're in MY WAY and then you have the audacity to lip-yell at me? Because YOU'RE not watching where you're going/driving? Just because states mandate that you use a hands-free device doesn't mean you have to wear it ALL THE TIME. Just FYI, you also look crazy. And everyone hates you and it's not because you're that cool.