Looks Like We Made It | 11/04/08

Thanks to the 93% of Washingtonians, coupled with the educated and urban poor of America, Obama won the election last night. Special thanks to you who elected to keep Chompy safe and out of the scope of Sarah Palin. I waited in a four-block long line at 8am but it moved quickly as a whopping 93% of my non-state voted (correctly) for Obama. Most of you don't live here, but if you did you'd know we've already reached our quota for old drivers and hot moms. I don't have a law degree but I can understand that there simply was not room for McCain and Palin here.

Now, onto more serious matters. I am absolutely convinced I could be a starting cornerback for a college football team. I'm not talking about FSU. I'm not talking about Temple. I'm not talking about Western Iliinois. I'm not even talking about the Colorado School of Mines. I'm talking about a tiny, Jesuit university in the middle of nowhere in Illinois: Quincy University. I know damn well I would not make it onto teams at FSU, Temple, WIU, or CSoM but I do believe that at QU I could be a starter. What are my qualifications you ask? Well, I WENT to FSU. I've watched a lot of football. I'm mean and like hitting people. I'm reasonably fast. I'm smart and rarely fall for the play action when watching on Tv. I'm over six feet tall and weigh in the mid-160s. Not huge but let's look at the roster. Any team with a 5'8", 144lb DB would start me. Sorry Steve, I'm on the team.


Mike (Unknown)

Ok seriously, I need to start proofreading these.

SC (Unknown)

Sorry, this is nothing against you, but I just don't see it. Someone is getting a dictionary for Christmas or at least Firefox 2.0 with the ability to spell check entries within fields.

T-Chris (Unknown)

Wait...5'8" and 144lbs...That's me just a few pounds heavier.

Mike (Unknown)

With 300+ hits a day I feel like my proofreading (or lack thereof) is found endearing to my readers or else they'd visit the many quality, error-free sites out there.

Chris: We should try out for the team. You know you want to relive under grad again.

SC (Unknown)

Mike, I'm sorry. I just don't see you taking a hit, getting blocked, or getting up after you make an interception. As a kicker, I'll give it to you-you might be able to see over the line unlike their current kicker, but not as a corner back.

Tim (Unknown)

What in God's green earth are you on? Has all the smoke blown up your butt by Obama affected your senses? I ask because, for the life of me I am trying to figure out your recent delusion of grandeur that you could play DB; and how long did it take you to find this wee little school with wee little people playing football - are you sure it isn't a school for munchkins? I'm with Steve, I see you as an angry kicker.

P-Chris (Unknown)

Well Georgia could use a new kicker...angry or not.

Mike (Unknown)

Really? Seriously? First of all, I didn't go searching for the school (that hard). I certainly didn't look at the rosters before I picked it.

At this point I should mention that since (I just looked now) they have Google Analytics on their site they're probably going to find their way back to this at some point so maybe we can settle this for real. Perhaps a modest scholarship contribution in exchange for a tryout? Hmmmm?

I've read what y'all have written and here's what I'm seeing: "Mike, you're a huge puss." While you're entitled to your (collective) opinion, let me ask you this: "When did you last see a a Midwest League School (Not even DIII) play? In that game, that you've certainly seen, how many times did you see the corner "take a hit"? 0! Even if I was half the puss that you're making me out to be (I'm probably like a quarter of that puss, for the record) it's not like linebackers are going to be drilling me--I'm not saying I'd make it as a running back or even a safety. I'm saying only that I could start at the physically least-demanding (except for the running but I'm so smart I'd quickly drop routes on runs) position. PLUS, if I had a whole season to "go to school" (get ripped and probably commit crimes of varying severity) I'd easily solve the problem of being strength.

Anytime you bitches want to play some tackle football call me.

SC (Unknown)

I'm not calling you a puss. I'm just saying that you, and I for that matter, don't take shots as well as some 18 year old freshman in college. And if you're dropping back on routes, you're going to get burned underneath and hell, open field tackles are hard on NCAA 09. I have to imagine they're tougher in real life.

Mike (Unknown)

I think the only advantage an 18-year old would have over me would be his ability to get up faster after putting down some massive blind-side hits on other 18-year olds. Plus, I could legally be hammered for every game and not even feel the pain.

Tim (Unknown)

FINE, you will be God's gift to Pop Warner football - much like Kramer was to his Karate class on Seinfeld - and you shall shut down your side of the field of any possibility of an air assault. You shall make Neon Dion look half retarded by comparison, and you tackling abilities would dwarf (since that is what you will be playing against) those of Ronnie Lott and Steve Atwater. Your nickname will be SDI, because any missile launched in your direction will be honed in on with laser like precision, and either intercepted, or swatted from the sky like some pesky fly. And God forbid should said missile reach its target, for then a devastating hit of the most furious passion shall be unleashed upon the receiver, that would make a UFC fighter call for his mommy.

Is that better you puss.

Mike (Unknown)

Wow. That's so much better I don't even know where to begin.

SC (Unknown)

Well done Tim.



contact catania design