Types of Douchebags | 06/07/09
There is one rule, especially for men, that is applicable in all situations: Every male that is not your friend is, for one reason or another, a douchebag. This is true 100% of the time and in order to not be considered a douchebag, you must prove your innocence. While Chris was still in town we came up with an extensive list of douchebag traits and, seeing as he and I were both on the list, felt safe in labeling the people we knew as types of douchebags. This is no half-assed list, this is the definitive guide to douchebaggery.
There are seven categories of douchebag: Judgey, One-Upper, Punchy, Aww, Pity, Planner, and Wannabe. None are any better or worse than another and most people are a combination of two or more. To figure out what type of douchebag you are, think of a situation where you are amongst a group of your friends and you meet a new person. Each clique typically has (and needs) at least one of every type. I digress.
Part I: Types
Judgey: Also known as Silent Judgey, the Judgey does not offer much in the way of conversation except for minimal small-talk. The role of the Judgey is to draw conclusions of the new person based on secret criteria that only they know. Usually the criteria are all things that the Judgey is either good at, or knows a lot about. For example, a Judgey might silently write me off as an idiot because I ended the last sentence with the word "about". They, of course, would never tell me this but only, later, share this with other Judgies.
One-Upper: The goal of the one-upper is not necessarily to finish your story with "...oh yeah, well one time I caught a fish that was twice that size" but rather to dominate a conversation with better, more exciting topics. One-uppers will steer conversations towards themselves and things they like and are always dismissive of anything you might have to say.
Punchy: Punchy does not punch per se but is frequently oblivious to what they're saying and is not hesitant about being combative. They usually mistake the Judgey's silence for approval. Punchies can be obnoxious but also irritating in their need to be the center of attention at all times.
Pity: Pities talk about themselves constantly and not in the way as the One-Upper or Punchy. Pities are always complaining about things they can readily control and don't expecting you to agree that their lives suck and will never get better. People that are constantly complaining about how busy they are, with the exception of Chris Green (the only person on Earth who means it when he says he's busy) are Pities. As an evening progresses, the Pity can evolve into arguably the most annoying type of douchebag.
Planner: Planners are typically the most friendly but need to have things their way. When you disagree with them they exhibit signs of Judgey or Punchy depending on their personality.
Wannabe: The Wannabe is usually the friend of a single group member and not widely accepted by the whole group. They do not exhibit any particular personality traits but they're always there. The Wannabe is usually down for any suggestion because it means they have friends but will never make a suggestion to do anything because they do not carry enough clout in the douchebag unit.
Aww: The Aww category is reserved for people for whom the group is ambivalent. No one ever says, "Oh awesome, John is here" nor do they ever say "Oh god, John is here". For the most part Awws are just kind of there. If they were nicer they'd be exonerated from the douchebag list but they never are.
Part II: Evolvement
As an evening progresses, douchebags take on new forms under stress. For each type, there are certain stressors that will cause them to morph into a different type.
Judgey: Under stress, the Judgey will typically move to Punchy and begin to care less about making their opinions known. Under even more stress, the Judgey-Punchy will evolve into the Judgey-Punchy-One-Upper after they get tired of having their opinions invalidated. Most of the stress applied to Judgies comes from Punchies and One-Uppers who never shut up.
One-Upper: The One-Upper changes into a Fauxplainer when they encounter either a Punchy or another One-Upper. Once there is nothing left to compete over the Fauxplainer finds insignificant things to complain about. If asked about the complaining, the One-Upper-Fauxplainer will evolve into a Punchy with no regard whatsoever about the opinions of the rest of the group.
Planner: As the night gets away from the planner they turn into a Complainer. Because they thought they were in charge at one point, the lack of control causes them to become irritated and complaining about the direction of the night. As the night progresses and the Planner-Complainer loses more and more control, they finally turn into a Pity and wonder why no one listens to them and starts asking everyone else if they had a good time.
Wannabe: The Wannabe can never evolve because they're just grateful to be there.
Pity: As Pities become stress they turn into full-bore Fauxplainers and demand pity-attention. When they don't receive it they begin alternating between Pity and Fauxplainers until they've isolated a single group member into listening and sympathizing. This person is usually a Silent Judgey who will absolutely hate this person by the end of the night.
Aww: By the middle of the night the Awws are sitting quietly, usually next to a Punchy, enjoying the evening.
Punchy: Punchies are the most dangerous as an evening wears on because they can evolve into any type. The first step is ALWAYS, however, a One-Upper. After becoming a Punchy One-Upper, they can either move to Fauxplaning to Pity, to Judgey to Pity, cycle back to Punchy, or go straight to Pity.
You are a douchebag. We all are some type of douchebag so don't take it personally. I personally am a One-Upper/Punchy and therefore get along best with Silent Judgies who quietly make note of the fact I don't think before I speak and wear black belts with brown shoes. I get along the worst with other Punchy One-Uppers. What type of douchebag are you?