The Cubs Suck | 05/11/04

How dare the Cubs play so badly? I mean seriously, it was ok to suck before this year because you didn't have more than two good players but now? Your payroll is something around $90,000,000. I felt obligated to write out the ninety million so that I could see all the 0's. Much like the 0's you keep posting in the runs scored column. Tribune Company, do you realize the only break in my monotonous day is watching your employees run around? From guys that can't catch to others that urinate on their hands to prevent calluses, no one can step it up! You probably think it's easy for me to sit in my computer chair, drinking a beer and petting my dog to criticize and it is. But a .650 willing percentage is great for you and failing for me, so I've got good reason to complain. My advice is to get a good shortstop and trade Moises Alou for...something, a puppy, a cup of coffee...anything. He's at bat right now, so I'll forgive you if he hits a homerun. Nope, struck out looking. Probably busying thinking about his next pee.

I've decided to make my name as a steel pan composer I need to create a new identity. See, this new identity needs to be an older, cranky Trinidadian that now lives in the United States. I'm still trying to think of what to call him but some blackish sounding name is crucial. Anyway, the plan is for him to be writing music too but in a more "natural" style than my american-higher-education-institution style. See, he and I will hate each other and I'll be sure to publicize this highly on the message boards. This should build anticipation for the new pieces we write to see what the other is going to say. Naturally it will all be negative and hopefully two camps will form: one for me and one for him. He will be a recluse, of course, and never make appearances. I will have never met him, but only receive cruel emails from him--which I will also post on the boards. Eventually he will have to die. I'm nervous about being a suspect. But there will be no body. Well, whatever, I'll still get to cash both of our checks.

Oh and congratulations to the 3600th visitor.




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