Many Blogs | 05/05/05
I have to pay my rent today. It's storming. Not wanting to go out in the rain I started reading blogs. Lots of them. Some of them were from people I know, some weren't. Is there anyone left in the country that isn't depressed? According to Jamie and some big-ass manual I suffer from Paranoid Personality Disorder. Personally I think I just notice when things aren't lining up. I think it comes from a childhood full of lying. When you're a childhood liar you get really good at keeping stories straight so you can keep a lot of lie-balls in the air at once. You also get really good at sniffing out your own kind. What sucks is that once you get in that habit of lying it's a hard habit to break. I'm ashamed to admit that it wasn't until the past couple years that I broke the habit completely. I remember having a very frank head-conversation with myself in February of 2003 and the end result was a complete halt to the white lying. I never lied about anything big but the little ones added up. Not in severity--if I said I'd pick up something from the store, didn't, then ran and got it when asked about it--things like that. I think it stemmed from being terrifically unpopular growing up. At a certain point you get desperate for people to like you. For me, it was middle school but it's sad to see people in my rough age bracket (21-32) suffering from it now. What's even sadder is the value that people put on their relationship or a virtual-relationship to price out their personal worth. It's really both sad and pathetic when someone truly believes that someone else will magically make their life better. Like, "oh, if only I had a girlfriend/boyfriend with qualities A, B, C I would be so happy". No you wouldn't. YOU need to develop qualities A, B, C. It kind of goes back to a recurring theme--we live in an age where nothing is our fault. No one is fat because they eat too much. No one has bad kids because they don't take the time to raise them. Well now that the mega-eating, unsupervised kids of my age are grown up they (we) don't realize things are our own fault. "Oh, I'm depressed...it's all my parents fault". I've got news for you: tough shit. You can't go back in time and wear Nike instead of Stride-Rite. Sorry. If you're looking for a relationship where you need someone to be strong FOR you get off your ass and do something for yourself instead. I've got news for you--no one wants to be with someone that they have to pull up. Except maybe abusers. In a relationship, everyone wants to be with someone better than they are--that's how it works. No one wants to settle. So if you're looking for some knight/knightess(?) in shinning armor that will see through your failings in life for the deep down goodness you've lost touch with reality. Shut the hell up and do something about it. Go out and better yourself. Stop making excuses and be responsible for the life you're leading instead of worrying about what other people are thinking (as if they're even wasting their self-centered time thinking about your stupid shit--hah!). If you're depressed suck it up. I don't give a shit how bad you think you have it. There are billions of people on this planet that have it worse. Say: Why am I depressed? Then say: What can I do to fix it? Simplify your damn life. Get rid of all the obligations, people and crap you don't need. Focus on you and stop bitching. No one cares about your excuses. And stop blogging for crying out loud. Does anyone other than Brian keep an online journal that isn't based self-loathing and begging for pity?
Have a great day!