Weekend | 07/16/06

This weekend was highly uneventful except for one thing--we tried to summon the dead. Originally, jamie and I were simply going to go over to pchris (soon to be Law-Chris) and elena's for some beer and pool. I should have known that "pool" was slang for "channeling the deceased" as soon as I found out "beer" meant "hard liquor". It all started innocently enough with P-Chris sharing some true ghost stories. One from his college days at Georgia Southern was particularly creepy. I had only played with a(n?) Ouija board once--my sophomore year of college. I was playing with two girls but my hands were shaking way too hard to make it accurately spell out "Threesome". They probably would have been suspicious anyway and made me take my hands off and the board. At that point it would spelled out "RUN" and they would have. Anyway, in P-Chris' story this ghost is really accurate and is doing all sorts of creepy things including slamming a door and blowing out candles after the word "scare". Creepy. We figured now, as we all are couch-owning adults, was the perfect time to get a board and try it ourselves. We set off for Wal-Mart, the only place open at midnight.

We called for reinforcements in the form of chris (what if we channeled a ghost that didn't speak English?) and michael (to keep us safe). They arrived while P-Chris and I were at Wal-Mart. Lo and behold Wal-Mart does not sell Ouija boards. We looked all over. We asked a clerk. Why? Because apparently Ouija boards make Christians nervous and Christians shop at Wal-Mart, Wal-Mart had no choice but to stop carrying such a vile and occultish item. You can still buy guns though so don't worry. P-Chris had made a back-up Ouija board out of a gift box and a shot glass. Upon our arrival home we packed it up, along with a lantern and headed off to SunLand, the old mental hospital.

Michael is strong. P-Chris is strong. Chris is strong. I am not. However, with three strong men (and a puny boy) pushing a shot glass around a gift box you might think if there were spirits hovering around the dilapidated old mental hospital we'd be able to find them easily. No. I'm not sure if it was the fact the shot glass would lodge itself into the fibers of the gift box or if P-Chris was driving them away with channeling techniques such as "Come on you f*cking bitches, talk to us." but that shot glass wasn't moving. Jamie did see a tarp blowing in one of the broken windows that could have been a ghost but if it was it certainly wasn't communicating anything to us except possibly the letter "G". Even Chris, with his advanced coursework and linguistics fellowship, could not come up with an adequate translation to English. Maybe they were trying to spell "ghost" or "get out of here" and were pissed by our shoddy Ouija board. As Elena said, "Only Parker Brothers can channel the dead". We gave up after we heard a siren because it's one thing to trespass when you're 18 and another thing altogether when you're 30. The siren turned out to be an ambulance but being the large, walking vaginas that we are, we decided to call it a night.

I also cleaned my office.




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