Breaking News | 02/13/07
It isn't often that there is breaking news on this blog but today is an exception. After much consideration and deliberation I have decided to form an exploratory committee to determine if I will, in fact, run for the 2008 Presidency. This committee is going to be headed up by two dogs to ensure that bad news is never, EVER passed to me.
Since it so late in the year and since so few candidates have announced their intentions I have decided to give America a
Nude Erection! New Direction! Let me quickly detail my agenda as your President. First of all, I will build a wall between the United States and Mexico. I will do this on the backs of illegal immigrant labor in the hopes they see the irony. This will be 200 feet tall and have large, poisonous spikes jutting out. Originally I did not want to construct this wall but rather place a large lionfish across the border. I would have hired Haliberton to keep the fish wet. Because I changed my mind, that does not make me a flip-flopper. I listened to the people and they did not want a smelly fish laying across hundreds of miles. To show my commitment to not-flip-flopping I will immediately declare no one will be able to wear flip flops unless they pass inspection by the newly-created Sexy Toe and Kankleless branch of the Department of the Interior. Since we are already screening for kankles I will issue a similar decree for Capri pants.
Sadly, I would have to terminate some of Hollywood's most popular icons because I feel their actions are unbecoming a nation such as ours. While I cannot reveal the complete list at this time it will include: Sara Silverman, Adam Corolla, Ashton Kutcher and the guy that plays Bree's new husband on Desperate Housewives. I would also simultaneously declare war on North Korea, Iran, Syria, Palestine, Saudi Arabia, Turkey, Egypt, Libya and Jamaica. Why Jamaica? Because the draft would have to be resumed to keep America free and I think that if people thought they had a chance to go to Jamaica they would be less inclined to flee to Canada. I will also build a wall between the United States and Canada. Before I go to war with the rest of the world. Thank you.