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Thursday: February 01, 2007 - Palzon is Coming Palzon is coming! If you shop at Amazon, and I know many of you do, Palzon will be your best friend. I can't say any more about it since its arrival is so soon. Palzon! [Comments: 2]· permalink · · ·

Friday: February 02, 2007 - Little Miss Sunshine - For Real Jamie and I actually saw Little Miss Sunshine. Now that I've had a chance to digest it I would give a solid 4/10. It was cute but I'm not really sure how this picture could have won Best Movie anywhere. The little girl's acting was really good but other than that I really don't remember much about the movie. It was bad--I wasn't counting down the minutes or anything but man, it was just so predictable.

I also saw a homeless man today while sitting in traffic who kept reviewing his sign as though that were the reason no one was hurling nickels at him. Like he had accidentally written like, How bout those Noles? instead of Feed me before I die and you have to live with the guilt of knowing you could have helped. [Comments: 0]· permalink · · ·

Saturday: February 03, 2007 - THF After meeting Kurt for some Tapetian food I spent the rest of my day cleaning. I've found that when I have ample free time I actually spend significant amounts of it cleaning. I can't remember the last time my house was a total disaster...wait, it was December. The worst part of a day of cleaning has got to be the bathroom. I know I don't spray pee all around the toilet so it must be Jamie because there is plenty of it that couldn't Mapquest its way into the bowl. Maybe Chompy is trying to teach herself to do it. I don't know. Of course I know it's me but I just don't understand how it's possible. Anyway.

Tomorrow is the Superb Owl and we have no plans. Exciting. [Comments: 0]· permalink · · ·

Sunday: February 04, 2007 - Superb Owl XLI Much to the disappointment of practically everyone I know (with the exception of Ian and Renee), the Colts toppled the Bears in the Superb Owl. Jamie and I were picking up her mom's car from the airport when Devon Hester ran back the opening play for a touchdown. We did make back in time to see Rex Grossman totally suck. It might not easily fit on his uniform but they really should consider renaming him Rex Interceptionman. Or Fumbleman. I think Fumbleman would fit a little better. I hope Chicago learned a valuable lesson this year and will draft some FSU players this year since we saw how well they do without any. At least Tony Dungy seems to be a nice enough guy--I would have felt really badly if the Bears had lost to some idiot like Bill Parcels. [Comments: 0]· permalink · · ·

Monday: February 05, 2007 - She Bangs There is one and only one reason I am going back to school. Ever since I was a wee lad, which due to my late start on puberty was about 23, I knew I wanted to make a significant contribution to the world of music. Looking back now I know I've had pieces performed all of the country and even some abroad. More than I can keep track of...and that's all fine and good. I've been a damn good teacher both in classrooms and privately. Compared to Mr. Average I've already had a pretty interesting life but then William Hung got famous. And there is no way in hell I can allow William Freaking Hung to have a larger impact on music than me. No way! At least Kelly Clarkson knows how to sing. [Comments: 2]· permalink · · ·

Tuesday: February 06, 2007 - Happy Birthday Steve! Happy Birthday Steve. You're an old man...the big 2-3. Welcome to the adult world, it's just as horrible as you think. Except there's money.

To celebrate Steve's birthday I coached Kurt's soccer team's practice while he drove back from Biloxi. Looking back, I was probably about 12 the last time I played soccer so I was the natural choice to fill in. The most embarrassing moment was after making them do the warm-ups from karate (you gotta go with what you know) one particularly...active... kid was about to randomly kick the ball after the play was over. I didn't want to chase it so I trapped it under my foot. He attempted to kick it out from under me and went crashing to the ground; the ball didn't move. Maybe I'm just exceedingly strong from karate or maybe it doesn't take much to make an 11 year old fall down--I don't know. But I do know after that there was a lot less talking back. Maybe it's because I don't have kids but the fact that so many were falling and yelling didn't really phase me. It didn't actually occur to me that they could get hurt so I'm glad they didn't. Mission accomplished. [Comments: 4]· permalink · · ·

Wednesday: February 07, 2007 - Lost! Ok, I know EVERYONE watched Lost last night. That episode was so good that it almost made up for the show being away for a fiscal quarter. Jamie and I ordered a pizza and settled in. Awesome! The only problem I had with the episode was this, and I'm hoping someone who has shot a gun before can explain this to me: Once Sawyer and Kate escape they're hauling through the jungle and get to the beach where they're spotted by three Others. Kate is on the walkie-talkie with Jack and one of the Others shoots the W-T out of Kate's hand, causing no damage at all to her; a perfect shot. The three Others then proceed to shoot at least 30 more times and MISS EVERYONE COMPLETELY. Come on! If I had the shooting skills to exact a perfect shot into someone's hand how on earth could I (to say nothing of my two friends) not even come close to hitting two much larger targets. Yes, I know they were running but I also missed several times while they were standing there figuring out what was going on. C'mon.

So what's up with Juliet? Is her sister a man? A pregnant, cancerous man? Did Ben overthrow that doctor to lead the Others? If nothing else that episode made me want to make sure I had a trained anesthesiologist nearby the next time I go into surgery. [Comments: 4]· permalink · · ·

Thursday: February 08, 2007 - Anna Nicole: Dead On Vomit I'll never forget where I was when I heard Anna Nicole Smith died. I was at my desk when Christine yelled, "Did you hear the news?". As I typically do when someone asks me that I click the Drudge Report toolbar button to quickly see what's up before I reply "Of course". No one likes people that aren't in the know. I use Drudge not because I like his death-to-liberals spin but the sad fact of the matter is he keeps up with breaking news better than anyone.

With my new knowledge I did the only logical thing I could think of: I immediately went to Alexadex and started scooping up websites that were gossipy. Unfortunately most of them were already gone but that's how it goes. I would feel absolutely terribly profiting from someone's death. Oh wait, that WAS Anna Nicole, wasn't it...except with real money. Good riddance. [Comments: 4]· permalink · · ·

Friday: February 09, 2007 - Oswego Snowstorm On the bright side, at least I don't live in Oswego, NY where they got eight feet of snow. Down here in the Deep South we've been battling upper-60 storms that bring no rain nor clouds. In fact, we've had some of the nicest weather in recent memory while the rest of you toil at your stupid schools or stupid jobs in -30 weather with freezing snow.

Tomorrow is my bon voyage party at RD even though I'll still be working there for a while. We're going to Bonefish (mmm). The last time I went somewhere nice to eat was Georgio's with Jamie and her mom and frankly, the food wasn't all that great. The problem with Georgio's is that the first time I went there I thought the food was awesome but I've been severely disappointed every time since. Alas. [Comments: 1]· permalink · · ·

Saturday: February 10, 2007 - Bonefish Goodbye Last night we had my Goodbye RD! party at Bonefish. Even though it was a smaller group than some past events, judging by the amount of dishes and glasses at the end of the night the bill must have ensured Christmas bonuses for all the staff. Thanks Kurt!

Jamie and I got there at the same time as Vince, right at 8:00pm. It was absolutely mobbed inside so Vince squirmed his way to bar to get the booze our bodies crave while we waited for the rest of the group to show up. Lo and behold everyone was already there. I of course expected Liz and Richard to be there right at 8:00 but everyone...wow. The food was scrumptious but it was too loud to really have a conversation so we spent a lot of time nodding at each other.

After the party I dropped Jamie off and went to bed so I could wake up early and practice for Sunday Night Poker. [Comments: 2]· permalink · · ·

Sunday: February 11, 2007 - The Crammy's Last night we had a few people over to partake in our weekly game of poker and to enjoy some potato soup and Valentine's Day cookie cake. Despite starting at 9pm and watching the Grammy's at the same time we still churned the game out in about two hours since everyone there was, as they say, loose with the chips. Renee won, thoroughly whomping me in about two minutes of heads-up. I guess you're only here today to see the poker stats so I should get too it.

Week 4 Poker Stats
1) Renee (MC) [5.6]
2) Mike (CE,IH) [4.2]
3) Chris (JB) [3.1]
4) Ian [2]
5) Jamie [1]

PCS Standings (Week 2)
1) Ricky [6.2] (1)
2) Mike [5.35] (3)
3) Ian [5.07] (2)
4) Chris [4.77] (4)
T5) AJ & Amy [4.00] (6)
7) Jamie [3.75] (5)
8) Renee [2.65] (8)
9) Christen [1.5] (9)
10) Tim [1.0] (10)
[Comments: 0]· permalink · · ·

Monday: February 12, 2007 - 12 of 12 This is my first 12 of 12. The idea was stolen, like most of my online ideas, from Brian who answered a challenge from the Untitled Chad Darnell Project.
This first picture is how Chompy and Abby start their dog-days--waiting by the back door. Even though I chopped down the branches for the squirrels by hand (literally by hand--that's why I took karate) Chompy seems to think they're still there and hiding in the grill.


Abby has since come in after peeing all over the stoop. You can clearly see her massive pee stain. Yes, I do in fact let her out at night before bed. She's just a girl who can hold her pee.


It wouldn't be work without waiting in a 14-car pile-up for Starbucks. I was going to ask Would You Like To Try A Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh A Pumpkin Croissant Cookie Cake Jennifer(!) to take a picture of me as she handed me the coffee but she wasn't working. Bummer.


There's my desk in our open-room office. The plastic sheathing is there to protect the floors from my now-massive weight. If you look carefully you can see where I was leaving grooves in the floor.


There's the only picture I have on my desk. Jamie made it for me. I'm not allowed to keep fish so I only have four snails in that tank. One is dead, which is why I wasn't allowed to keep fish.


Christine and I went to Andrew's for lunch and we saw Chris working. I tried to take this picture quickly but our server saw me do it. He said something to me that was neither mean nor funny so I don't remember it. I gave him a pretty good tip though.


Our office has rats so I moved the lone rat trap to by his house (our conference room computer cabinet) instead of on top of the desk next to mine. I've only seen them once but they are huge.


My day wouldn't be complete without asking Ricky for help. Today's help was finding a regular expression to match <font*> where the asterisk could either be nothing or a ton of stuff. You might not know what I'm talking about but Ricky did and thank god.


There's me leaving my rat-infested job! See you scurvy-carrying rodents tomorrow! (But who am I talking to?)


Feeding the dogs IMMEDIATELY after I get home. Abby is not as interested in eating as making sure Chompy eats. If Chompy doesn't eat then Ab gets four cups of food. Score!


After Jamie made a steak-feast we settled in for our TV night. Six Feet Under is on Monday nights so we watch it. Sure it's a three hour Marathon but we're not big TV people so we cut ourselves some slack. Last night's episodes were disturbing though and I might have had a dream where someone set the dogs on fire. Good thing I suck at remembering my dreams.


The last thing you want to do is wake Chompy up out of a deep sleep when she's mashed against a wall. But it's bedtime!


And the bonus picture--it's Abby offering my a toy in exchange for food in the morning. I'm not falling for that though--I'm no fool.

[Comments: 13]· permalink · · ·

Tuesday: February 13, 2007 - Breaking News It isn't often that there is breaking news on this blog but today is an exception. After much consideration and deliberation I have decided to form an exploratory committee to determine if I will, in fact, run for the 2008 Presidency. This committee is going to be headed up by two dogs to ensure that bad news is never, EVER passed to me.

Since it so late in the year and since so few candidates have announced their intentions I have decided to give America a Nude Erection! New Direction! Let me quickly detail my agenda as your President. First of all, I will build a wall between the United States and Mexico. I will do this on the backs of illegal immigrant labor in the hopes they see the irony. This will be 200 feet tall and have large, poisonous spikes jutting out. Originally I did not want to construct this wall but rather place a large lionfish across the border. I would have hired Haliberton to keep the fish wet. Because I changed my mind, that does not make me a flip-flopper. I listened to the people and they did not want a smelly fish laying across hundreds of miles. To show my commitment to not-flip-flopping I will immediately declare no one will be able to wear flip flops unless they pass inspection by the newly-created Sexy Toe and Kankleless branch of the Department of the Interior. Since we are already screening for kankles I will issue a similar decree for Capri pants.

Sadly, I would have to terminate some of Hollywood's most popular icons because I feel their actions are unbecoming a nation such as ours. While I cannot reveal the complete list at this time it will include: Sara Silverman, Adam Corolla, Ashton Kutcher and the guy that plays Bree's new husband on Desperate Housewives. I would also simultaneously declare war on North Korea, Iran, Syria, Palestine, Saudi Arabia, Turkey, Egypt, Libya and Jamaica. Why Jamaica? Because the draft would have to be resumed to keep America free and I think that if people thought they had a chance to go to Jamaica they would be less inclined to flee to Canada. I will also build a wall between the United States and Canada. Before I go to war with the rest of the world. Thank you. [Comments: 4]· permalink · · ·

Wednesday: February 14, 2007 - Happy Valentine's Day! For V-Day this year Jamie and I went to Andrew's 228 for dinner. Sadly, Chris was not our server. The reduced menu was one of those "No matter what path you choose it costs $80, even if you want to skip a step or order a drink". Bummer! Deciding to be adventurous I elected to go for the seared tuna instead of the steak. The only problem was that it came with polenta and other weird things I wouldn't eat. I asked nicely if I could replace the things it came with for mashed potatoes...

Trish: All the food was pre-prepped so we can't do substitutions unless there's a dietary reason.
Me: Oh, well I'm deathly allergic to polenta.
Trish: You're deathly allergic to corn?
Me: Yes.

I got my mashed potatoes. Score. After dinner we went to see the Paul Taylor Dance Company at FSU. After the first intermission we left to go watch Lost because I had fallen asleep within the first minute and apparently their "arched foot" stuff disgusted Jamie. We're so snobby (and sleepy).

That was a weird episode. I could have done without the first 50 minutes but that last ten was pretty cool. I also got my wish--Charlie is going to die! I hate his character so I'm hoping that Desmond gives up on him and let's it happen. If only Claire were in that same situation. Whenever the story hit the two of them during the first two seasons I just wanted to nap. They have Claire's baby so the island got what it needed, let Charlie and Claire get axed. [Comments: 2]· permalink · · ·

Thursday: February 15, 2007 - Kick Rape in the Balls Refuse House is going to have a kickball tournament to raise money for various aspects of their program. I came up with the name Kick Rape in the Balls and I think they would make more money than they'd know what to do with. I can see on advertisements, on t-shirts, everywhere. I think it's so clever it might even garnish national attention. Would you support an event with that name? [Comments: 2]· permalink · · ·

Friday: February 16, 2007 - Why The Draft Is A Bad Idea I celebrated my last day at the RD by shooting my very first non-water weapon. I guess a BB Gun doesn't really count as a weapon but it definitely should in my minds. The plan was for Tiny, the Mac-loving Rat, to be captured on glue pads and then shot. Tiny never showed up so I set my sights on a water bottle. Let me say this: You should be very, very happy I am not defending your freedom overseas. After three rounds I finally gave in and shot the bottle execution style and still didn't manage to pierce its Kevlar-coated skin. Christine assured me that if I had been using a shotgun it totally would have gotten what it had coming.

My last day was quiet and uneventful and although I will miss the people there a great deal, I will not miss sitting out in a big room filled with, as they say in German, Das Loudwerkers. Bye RD! [Comments: 0]· permalink · · ·

Saturday: February 17, 2007 - Habitat For Humanity: Day 1 Today was the first day of the Habitat build. It was about -60 when we left at 7:30am to go to the site. When we got there someone had already put out coffee and started a fire. Things progressed really quickly and by the time I left all of the outer walls were framed and up and about 3/4 of the interior ones were as well. It was pretty cool except for one part: the "regulars" do not know when to shut their mouths. I can hammer a nail. I don't need (literally) four people telling me how to do it. You're not a contractor, you're a podiatrist so don't pretend like you're this like magical carpentry God. Just shut up and work. And you who do this for a living, here's a thought--come to my job and volunteer to make a website. Watch how patronizing I can be. "What are you doing?!?! You call those nested tags? How could have lived for forty years and not know to nest your tags?". The actual contracted workers were all really nice and politely helpful though. The only problems were the people who "volunteered". It didn't help there were like 400 people there and really, how many people does it take to hammer in four nails? Not 400. Jamie managed to sledge off her finger with a rusty hammer so I got to leave early to bring her to her mom's house. I then took a nice long nap and thought of yelling at people to nest tags. [Comments: 0]· permalink · · ·

Sunday: February 18, 2007 - Bald Britney Man, I hate it when people who aren't going bald shave their heads. Thanks for rubbing it our faces that you can grow it back whenever you want. Remember when Christina was the bad girl and Britney was the good one? Now just look at them--Christina is smoking hot, about a 1000x better singer and staying out of the news. Britney...well, she's a wreck who'll probably be dead soon. Does she even have any fans left? I mean, does she have any left now that I'm gone? Hah! [Comments: 0]· permalink · · ·

Monday: February 19, 2007 - The All-American Girl Let's travel back in time. Let's go here. How funny that one day short of being two years to the day that I last saw him I'd see him again. It's Segundo--the husband of (according to Alex) Bobbi, the All-American Girl. I saw him at Publix yesterday with his kid. Since the last time we saw each other he was asking for help at Tallahassee Nursery I figured I would stalk him to see what he had in his cart that I could make fun online.

First of all, this is Tallahassee AND you went to FSU for a graduate degree. I should know because you were in my German class. How DARE you wear a University of Florida sweatshirt? Is that where you got your crappy law degree? Second of all, seeing you with your now-at-least-four year old daughter is gross. Dude, you're like 60! Now, for the cart. Do you really need three HUGE boxes of tampons? Are they for your 26 year old wife? Or for your 26 year old daughters? Or both? Way to eat healthy--remember that you're 60 and near death. Fatty snacks aren't going to keep you alive to see your daughter's elementary school graduation. Man, I hate you. I can't believe you're still alive. And still not bald. Man, I hate you. [Comments: 0]· permalink · · ·

Tuesday: February 20, 2007 - Hope Springs Eternal Ah, it's that time again. Cubs time. If you're a Cubs fan, you surely understand that, for the very first time ever, there is (pardon my grammar) no way the Cubs could not win the World Series. This year it doesn't matter that Kerry Woods steriods-related injuries will shelve him for the year when he falls of the bullpen bench the second day of the season. It doesn't matter that Mark Prior will have to undergo eighteen surgeries to repair is hip flexor after he trips on his wife's bra the last week of Spring Training. After over $300m in spending there is simply no way the Cubs can lose. Except for Rodney Cedeno, who totally and complete sucks, everyone is now good. Yeah, yeah, Ramirez can't (won't) run and our outfield might only make two catches all year but who cares? They're going to score at least thirty runs a game. Since they're going to be scoring so many runs that means we also won't have to see Ryan "Walk Em In" Dempster very much. I guess Cedeno and Dempster are still around to try to poorly mask this is a totally purchased World Series win. This year, friends, will be ours. [Comments: 6]· permalink · · ·

Wednesday: February 21, 2007 - Secrets My Ass Dude. ABC promised us secrets last night and all we got was a rough translation of Jack's tattoo? LAME. Since last night's episode sucked so much I wrote you an episode maker. It's over there in the sidebar somewhere. I think you will find it much more interesting than last night's episode. Remember when LOST was good? Like two weeks ago? Or last week? I guess we learned that had Charlie not killed Ethan then they likely wouldn't have taken Jack, since they would have had no need for a surgeon. Still though, that was a lame episode.

Chris and Mike are coming to town in a few weeks so that will be fun. I'm sure they're ready to escape the Bloomington weather since it's 78 right now (at 10am). In the words of Ricky, "yeah buddy". [Comments: 2]· permalink · · ·

Thursday: February 22, 2007 - Bad Britney It's not that I really care about Brintey Spears but man, this picture is funny. It reminds me of the time Jamie and I dressed up as Britney and K-Fed for Halloween and won Best Costume.

Grey's Anatomy sucked last night. I can't believe Meredith lived. I hate her. That show is so unbelievable I don't know why I watch it. Oh right, because every three months I get a check for $120 as an iTunes affiliate by promoting their music. Such a deal. [Comments: 3]· permalink · · ·

Weekend: February 24, 2007 - Bald Jack Nicholson Harnessing the power of Jack Nicholson's bald head I was able to win poker last night. Jamie bowed out early because she wasn't feeling well so I took the liberty of drinking her wine as Chris knocked out everyone else at the table. Ian and Renee were kind enough to give me a ride home. In the spirit of that generosity, here is an mp3 of one of the greatest songs every written--Jimi Hendrix's Little Wing (2.2MB). I'll have to post the poker order later when someone can confirm the order people were outed. Maybe it was just the wine, but it seemed like everyone went out in like a ten minutes span. [Comments: 1]· permalink · · ·

Sunday: February 25, 2007 - Poker Update Week 5 Poker Stats

1) Mike (CE) [5.6]
2) Chris (RG,IH,C?) [4.3]
3) Christen [3]
4) Renee [2]
5) Ian [1]

PCS Standings (Week 3)
Players of more than one game
1) Mike [5.4] (1)
2) Chris [4.68] (3)
3) Ian [4.46] (2)
4) Jamie [3.75] (5)
5) Renee [2.72] (5)
6) Christen [1.38] (6)
[Comments: 0]· permalink · · ·

Monday: February 26, 2007 - Jesus' Tomb? Not being terribly religious, I don't really care one way or another about some movie director finding the tomb of what could be Jesus. Of course all of the scholars came out to say he was a whack-job (which is true because Titanic is one of the six movies I've seen) because that's what scholars do--they discredit things. I think my own personal hell would be me surrounded by experts on everything. You couldn't make a comment without some sort lecture on your misuse of the word "reluctant" or be able to give an opinion on anything. I think that's what Steve wants to be when he finishes school--a discreditor. Anyway, back to Jesus.

Not being a scholar I will have to display by own disbelief without facts. Without facts I can only say, "Why didn't anyone find this tomb sooner?" Aren't there billions of Christians who would like to find it? It's like in pre-school when your teacher says, "Where's Jesus?" and everyone would yell "EVERYWHERE" and then get a lollipop. Now they yell "IN A BOX IN A CAVE". Whatever, I phoned this entry in. Sorry. [Comments: 3]· permalink · · ·

Tuesday: February 27, 2007 - Alexadex Failure With tomorrow being the last day of the Alexadex season I am unhappy to report I might not finish in the top 25. I'm sitting at #24 right now and frankly it's not looking good, as I have a portfolio that is lacking and big jumpers today. Although I've got a $4m lead there is a very real chance it will not hold up. I haven't tried very hard this season and the fact that a technical glitch that caused people to be able to buy thousands of shares of google for $1 then sell them the next day for over $250,000/share really hurt any chances I had for being competitive for the top ten. Alas.

Chris and Miker are coming to visit in nine days. Awesome! [Comments: 2]· permalink · · ·

Wednesday: February 28, 2007 - Free Cell Record Let me start by saying my brother is the Free Cell champion. That said, I too rule. So far my streak is at 63, as evidenced by the picture to the left. I like Free Cell because the luck element really comes in to play at the beginning when the cards are dealt. I have no idea what the World's Record is for most consecutive victories but this by far the best I've ever done. Until now, my longest streak was only 25.

I found out that this girl I went to undergrad with is now getting her doctorate from UM. She was by far the worst out of our group and I can't help but wonder if she got ahead simply because she was a girl and schools have to report their gender/ethnicity breakdown. I know at FSU there were a couple people in the Masters program there simply because of their race and not because of any discernible skill. At the time though I didn't care because I too was there. Back to this girl, practically all her portfolio is for her native instrument, a common woodwind. Man, she's worst. [Comments: 72]· permalink · · ·